Growing up, I fancied myself a pretty tough cookie. I was not much of a crier. I had friends that would cry over a movie or a commercial or a song. Not me. Oh, I had my moments, but for the most part, I tried to hold back tears, even if it meant getting a head ache from the strain of not showing my emotions. I as I have gotten older, I have certainly become much more sappy...er I mean sentimental. As I left my teen years behind and life became more complicated, I became more prone to tears. Still I felt I maintained some symbalance of control over my tears.
That control is now completely gone. Our life has taken such a dramatic turn, it feels like any control over anything is now gone. My tears are no exception.
We are back home again. It is so wonderful to be back. I took one of our dogs for a walk this morning. Brian and I have walked our same neighborhood for almost four years now. This morning for the first time I noticed how beautiful the trees are that line our streets. I smiled as I fell back into the delicious routine of returning friendly waves of the people who drove by me on the street. This is a luxury many people in lager cities do not enjoy. These simple pleasures in life brought...you guessed, it tears. Not tears of saddness or loss but of awarness I guess.
I am working on not being embarraessed by my tears that come unexpectantly. I read somewhere that our Lord collects our tears. That thought alone brings a smile. Good thing heaven is a big place because somewhere there must be a whole store room with my name on it.
I know that we are not the only parents who have shed many tears for our children. We have dear friends that lost their teen daughter in a quad accident. We have other friends who lost her new born daughter. We have others friends that have walked their little ones through devastating illnesses.
A re-occurring thought, that runs through my mind, is that walking this journey day by day, not knowing from one day to the next what that day will hold, is hard enough. I am not sure we could have survived this far if we had actually known, in advance what each day held.
Ok, here's a really big thing for me to swallow. Our heavenly Father knows, in advance, what each day holds for all of His children. How many tears must he have shed for us? How many does he continue to shed for us? I don't believe He loves us any less than we love our children, in fact, I believe, with my whole heart, He loves us more. Trying to comprehend all of that is almost too much for me.
Dear Papa Father, thank you for loving us daily. May our tears for our children, remind us of your tears for us. Thank you for an everlasting love.