My Sweet Sister-in-law Laurie responded on Joshua's blog by asking me how my heart is. Many others have asked the same question. I have sat down many times to put my thoughts into words. I have been so impressed about how Brian, Josh and Sarah have been able to express themselves through their blogs.
Each time I sit down to write, a strange phenomenon occurs...all the air gets sucked out of the room and I am unable to think or breath. This phenomenon first occurred as we sat in the emergency room and heard the words "Joshua" and "cancer" in the same sentence.
We are in day 3 of chemotherapy for Joshua. This is day 11 since we first sat in Dr. Turners office for Josh's first appointment to see why he was, "Not feeling well and was pale". I feel like our world has turned upside down since that day. I am happy to say that much of the initial terror has begun to subside. Tears still come often and without warning. Some days I can not complete a sentence to save my life. Yet through it all, I am so, so aware of the presence of our Heavenly Father.
On the days when the air in my lungs seems in short supply, the days when seemingly impossible decisions need to be made, or I begin to look at what the future holds for our son, I can do nothing but cry out to Our Father. I believe that He refills my lungs with His breath, filled with peace and calmness and I can breath once more.
For me, the hardest time of the day would come around 4:30 AM. When I would jolt awake in the darkness and stillness of a night that has not quiet become morning. Terror would over come me like a dark wet, heavy blanket waiting to suffocate me. My thoughts would race to Joshua and all this would mean for him. I would fear many things, his chances for survival, the treatment options, the financial resources it would take to beat this new terror in his life, my mind would just race.
On the third or fourth morning of this journey, I was reading Psalm 91....again. I have read this chapter many times, through many situations, again, it took on a new meaning in my life. I have camped on verses 4-6.
He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge;
His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness
nor the plague that destroys the midday.
I am pleased the mornings that I sleep through the "terror hour". Many of those mornings, I hear from sweet friends that have prayed through the night for me. They have given up their sleep to cover me that I might have some rest. I am also pleasantly surprised to see that things are a little less formidable when I have had some sleep.
Alrighty, this is just a bunch of rambling that probably makes no sense to anyone other than me and it doesn't even make that much sense to me. Someday, I hope to recover the brain cells that depleated as soon as the "cancer" word entered our lives. In the mean time, I am grateful to Brian, Josh and Sarah who seem to have the ability to still form logical sentences.